The Things She Forgot
by Aviaries
Summary: There were only three times in her life that Udonna had ever used a memory charm on her niece. She was not proud of these instances. In fact, they haunted her. (Alternatively, Three Times Udonna used a memory charm on Clare, and one time it all came back.) [AU to my other stories.]


_Memories_

There were only three times in her life that Udonna had ever used a memory charm on her niece. She was not proud of these fact, they haunted her. And every now and again, Udonna considered telling Clare why she had done it, but then she would have to explain in the first place that she had done it.

 _Nightmares  
_ Years Post-War: 5  
Clare: Age 6; Udonna: Age 31

"Clare?"

The small girl was standing in the doorway to Udonna's bedroom. The moon was still shining in the sky, hanging as if it were suspended from a spring. _Must be midnight, maybe later,_ Udonna thought to herself.

Clare hesitantly walked up to Udonna, who was now sitting up, her legs over the side of her bed. She was rubbing the sleep from her eyes and smoothed out a place for Clare to sit.

There was a small struggling sound as Clare tried to climb on the bed. Udonna helped pull her up.

"What's wrong?"

The young girl sniffled and, unexpectedly, launched herself at Udonna and hugged her tightly around her middle.

"Onna, I'm scared," she cried suddenly, very afraid. She was using her nickname for Udonna despite now being able to fully say Udonna's name.

At this point, Clare didn't know Udonna was her aunt. What Udonna had told her was that she was Clare's mother's friend before the war.

"Oh, why are you scared," Udonna asked softly, hugging the sobbing girl to her chest and trying to calm her down.

"It's all fire. I can't remember it, but everything's on fire!"

 _Leanbow's magic. The war. Everything burning as Leanbow defended the cottage they were sheltered in._

"But you're safe now," Udonna tried.

Clare wasn't convinced. Everything was so vivid, everything hurt. This was the first time in three nights of nightmares that she went to Udonna about it. The little five-year-old didn't want to admit that she was afraid. She wanted to appear brave. Just last week she had proudly told her "mother's friend" that she had successfully faced a wild Woodsprite, vicious little trouble-making sprites that hid in trees and scared humans and magical species for fun.

"I don't feel safe. Everything's burning and there's blinding colors and- and-" she dissolved into crying and fussing and wailing and Udonna's heart broke to see her niece in such a state.

"What if… you couldn't see the fire anymore? Would you feel better that way?"

Udonna hated using memory charms. She did. She believed that everyone should remember their past for it made them who they were. Once the war was over, a friend of her's had offered a memory charm for her, which Udonna refused kindly but was internally frightened of. She was frightened and a little bit insulted that anyone would use a memory charm to forget what their community had overcome.

Clare was still incoherently crying, and Udonna sat there and hugged her until Clare became sleepy and was nodding off. She had cried herself out mostly.

"I don't want to remember it," she whispered drowsily, eyes still open but shutting in slow-motion. "I want it to go away."

Udonna felt a deep sense of regret when she placed her hand on Clare's forehead and muttered a small memory charm under her breath.

" _Obliviscaturaus."_

 _Courage  
_ Years Post-War: 7  
Clare: Age 8; Udonna: Age 33

Clare stood, stalk still, unable to even breathe.

Before her was a trickster. An elf. And the elf was a child, no less. She had just gone out to collect auraberries, a tastier alternative to stickleberries in Clare's opinion.

"Please," she said finally, "leave me alone."

The problem with elves, particularly child elves, was that they didn't want to let you escape without a game. Sometimes their games were harmless, sometimes they were not.

"Not until you play my game," the child demanded. He wasn't a very mature character. He was quick to complain and anger.

"I don't want to play your game! I want to go home!" Clare wanted to run but couldn't because she was so scared. If she were more skilled at magic, she could disappear and reappear in Rootcore, but Udonna had told her that spell wasn't mastered until late in apprenticeship. Clare wouldn't even be an apprentice until she was twelve.

"Nope. You have to play my game," the elf taunted.

"What's your game?" Clare didn't even want to ask.

"You have to save this baby dragon-lizard," the elf began, "before this circle of fire destroys it!" The elf was so gleeful in his game. Clare's heart sank at this. She had to save a lizard? She loved dragon-lizards surprisingly. They were kind little creatures.

The lizard was only about three inches long, crying out in strangled squawks.

With a snap of his fingers, a ring of fire appeared. Small, maybe two feet in diameter, but slowly shrinking, the radius growing smaller. This was in a small clearing, but somehow, the surrounding grass didn't burn. The elf threw the lizard into the ring. Clare panicked. A life was in her hands.

"Ummmm, Aguacanto!"

The water spell failed tremendously.

"Aguacanto! Aguacanto! Aguacanto!"

Clare was frantically trying to use the only spells she knew.

"Fengguato!"

The air spell was no good either. The lizard was crying, trying to call for help. Nothing happened and Clare was growing more desperate.

Finally, the lizard burned up, ignited and disappeared into the air.

Clare was on her knees crying.

At that moment, Udonna had come frantically into the clearing, worried sick for her niece.

"Clare!"

The elf child blanched at the sight of the woman. Sure, the woman wasn't too scary now, but the elf child knew that she was frightening when challenged. It was the reason she had been able to organize compromises between the forest people and be respected by the end.

When she saw the elf, she knew something had happened. Clare was crying on the ground, traumatized.

"What have you done, child," she demanded, approaching.

The child stammered out, "I didn't mean any harm. It was a game! You know how we work. Games and such. Just harmless fun!"

"Don't lie to me."

"I used a glamour to disguise a stick as a baby dragon-lizard and burned it. Please! I didn't mean anything by it!"

"This child is crying because of you and you meant no harm? You're from the South Village, are you not?"

The child was squirming. "Please don't tell our elders! I'm begging you!"

Udonna sighed but didn't lose her stance. "Go now and we'll keep this between us," she said, glancing at Clare who was now whimpering about the baby dragon-lizard.

The elf ran back into the woods as quick as his legs would take him.

Udonna took a seat beside her niece, smoothing out her pale dress on the grass. "Clare, it's over," she whispered.

Clare's eyes were still wet with grief. "I couldn't save the baby lizard. I tried, but I'm useless. I can't do anything right!"

"That's not true," Udonna said carefully. "You're just starting to use magic. It takes time."

"But I couldn't save the dragon-lizard!"

Clare carried on like this for a good long while.

It was hard on Udonna, but she tried to vow not to use any sort of memory altering charm. She had already done it once, and the very moment had engraved itself in Udonna's mind.

After two days, Udonna couldn't take it anymore. Her niece felt so guilty, even though Udonna had told her that the baby lizard-dragon was only a glamoured stick.

Udonna felt she had no other choice. This was long before she gained the wisdom to make strong choices. In Clare's sleep on the third night, Udonna sat by Clare's bed after reading her a story and uttered the words again. Clare's face relaxed into a smile.

 _Nightmares  
_ Years Post-War: 11  
Clare: Age 12; Udonna: Age 37

It was Clare's first day as an apprentice. Her first day being able to brew potions and learn spells and practice charms and everything she'd always wanted to do. Her biggest wish was to be as great as her guardian, who she admired greatly.

"Now, this is a very basic potion," Udonna explained slowly.

Clare was a very hyper child, so sometimes it was best to explain things as simply as possible. The girl was so enthusiastic about this particular potion, however. Her first one ever.

"Alright, now. There are three basic ingredients and a spell you cast. Do you know what the potion does?"

"It changes the color of one object to another!"

"That's right. Now, what are the three ingredients?"

Clare counted them on her fingers, trying to remember. "Auraberries, mandraroot, and … um…"

"Think, Clare. It changes colors."

"Cornaflowers!"

"Chromaflowers," Udonna corrected patiently.

"Right, sorry!"

Udonna tried to stay out of Clare's way as she worked, guiding only with important steps. Only things like… _no, counterclockwise,_ or _you must add just a bit more_.

Clare worked diligently, doing her very best at everything but not seeming to be able to work out all of the steps. It was time to chant the incantation, and Clare was so excited that she knocked an entire vial of flashroot powder into the cauldron.

Split second. Heart stop. Udonna's eyes went wide as the potion began to bubble, boil, and eventually sputter hot liquid. Without even thinking, Udonna rushed forward and hugged Clare against her chest, shielding her from the hot mixture. Not only did it burn due to the heat, the flashroot powder seemed acidic against Udonna's skin. She bit her lip hard and hugged Clare even tighter against her, not wishing any of this pain on her niece.

Clare was shocked into silence and just watched the cauldron sprout light and liquid and eventually smoke. She cried out just as the cauldron's contents erupted into a fire, a smoking screen, and then the mixture dissolving.

When it was over, Udonna let Clare go and the twelve-year-old stepped back and looked at Udonna's face. It was a weak smile, but a smile. Clare tried to calm her heart, but she knew this was all her fault. She was too careless and too eager.

"D-does it hurt?"

Udonna's smile fell. She didn't want to lie and she didn't want to hurt Clare in any way. Clare decided that two seconds was two long to wait and moved slowly to look at Udonna's arm. It was the one that had shielded Clare's face.

Udonna's sleeve had been burned through and red marks, burn marks, were on her arm. Clare's eyes welled up.

Clare had always known she was a cry-baby. Always crying, making a commotion, far too sensitive.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm-,"

"Child, you're alright. That's all I care about."

"But you're hurt!"

Clare was right, of course. Udonna's back burned, even the slightest air against it causing her pain. "Don't worry about it. Please."

She didn't listen. She fell into a depression for a week, staying in her room, only leaving to use the restroom and eat when her body begged her to. Udonna tried to bring her food every day, but Clare wouldn't look at her. She felt too guilty.

Soon, Clare became quite sick due to her not drinking enough water or eating enough food. In general, she wasn't taking care of herself at all. No matter how much Udonna tried to help, Clare just grew sadder and sicker.

In a moment of desperation, as Clare lay in bed, cold and burrowed in her blankets, Udonna mumbled the words she hated again and Clare soon grew better. Udonna made it a point after that to hide the burns on her arms. They mostly faded, but there was some discoloration on her skin that remained.

 _Momentour  
_ Years Post-War: 20  
Clare: Age 21; Udonna: Age 46

Clare paused at the sight. Something was coming back to her.

 _Burns._

A look of sadness crossed Udonna's face as she tracked where Clare was looking. It was the middle of the night, Daggeron, Leanbow, and Nick in bed, and Clare and Udonna had crossed paths in the kitchen, the former looking for some leftover cake, the latter having heard noises and wondered what they were.

"Your arm…"

Udonna knew what she was talking about. Standing in the kitchen entrance in her nightgown, her robe back in her room due to the heat of summer, the older woman could somehow remember the feeling of being burned there. They were faded now, but there was a noticeable mark just above Udonna's elbow.

 _An explosion._

"When did this happen?"

 _A tiny cry._

"I feel like I remember this."

 _Burning._

"Udonna? What is it? Your face."

After all this time, Udonna felt like she was being pierced through the heart. Trying to protect Clare all these years from crying was only making Udonna feel a little sick. She wished she could have covered her arm just then, but this must have been a sign. Udonna had to admit what she had done.

"Clare… I need to show you something."

…

" _Momentour._ "


End file.
